Monday, December 27, 2010

Christmas Wishes

What is it about the holidays that makes us all go crazy and act like we are 9 years old again? Yes, we like the sense of wonder and peace, love and joy ... the good feelings of home and security. I mean the feelings of jealosy, inadequacy, greed and anger. They play out every year in some way or another - Sis is mad cause Bro got a bigger thingy and Mom always liked you better too!
These lessons go round and round and even when you think they are gone and dealt with, here they come again with another test, or version... just to see if you still remember how it feels to be forgotten, abused or inadequate. Sigh... when will we learn? I say - when will it STOP!!!
I thought I knew that it is the giving, not the getting. The season is about love, and forgiveness. And not hoping the hubby doesn't get too drunk. Or stay drunk. For the month. Then start channeling his dead mother and screaming at the top of his lungs that I am a bitch and useless and should get a job. Then forget he said that and ask for his dinner.
Call me Scroogette - I've been sick for a week with a horrible cold (flu???) - sore throat, aches, cough, infected looking snot, sinus headache... But I pulled off the week before Christmas - the shopping, wrapping, tree decorating, coookie baking, several major dinners (including a lobster feed and 2 days later an 8 lb roast beef that my mother would have been proud of). I entertained children and made old people smile. I cleaned and cooked, stayed up late more than several nights. Then I didn't burst into tears at Christmas dinner when I toasted my delicious Bordeaux wine by myself. Hubby was already drunk and nasty, and others were full of champagne they had already drunk - and had not offered me a sip!
Boxing Day was worse. I lost my match and got bruises.
Now I am snowed in with the antichrist upstairs and I am afraid to speak a word, because he turns around everything I say and starts yelling at me again.
I don't want to leave my home, but I cannot live in fear of being hurt... or with the fear that I might hurt him. I believe it is dementia brought on from the many years of his alcoholism. It scares me and I'm sure it frightens him too - when he is able to remember.

1 comment:

  1. My thoughts and prayers are with the meek and abused tonight. Let there be peace and love to shelter and protect them.